Unrequited Love Revisited.

Near the end of March of 2009, I wrote this blog ' Unrequited Love'

How come the most romantic things ever done have been done in movies so when, if you tried to reproduce it, the other half will say; how original? and in the movies, that person doesn't actually want to do those things in real life.

But I got a hold of Love Actually DVD in Christmas and I've actually not watched it up until now and though it think the movie isn't Richard Curtis' best (I prefer Notting Hill), there seems to be a developing trend in the movies that I've seen that he has written. And that is the pivotal scene...

In Notting Hill, the scene in which I believe tells the whole story is the scene where Anna Scott (Julia Roberts) stands in front of the boy, the man that she likes; William Thacker and sells her heart out. Up to this point they dated, comforted her, slept together, he'd had his heart broken because Anna is famous, and her love life is the stuff the papers write about and stuff. But at the end of the day, famous and all that, Anna is still just a girl. Standing in front of a boy. Asking him to love her.

And unfortunately for her, the "daft prick" William rejected her request.....

Though later realises his mistake and a mad dash across the poshest hotels in London, and he asks Anna to reconsider him, eventhough he had originally rejected her.

Lovely moment, I love the movie.

And in Love Actually, although not pivotal but the one that stands out from all the other scenes is the scene in which Mark (Andrew Lincoln) portrays or a better word/s; declares his feelings to Juliet (Keira Knightley). And unfortunately for him, she is someone that he can't have. Up to this point, Juliet had requested video tapes of her wedding, in which Mark was the groom's best man. Because Mark is best friends with her husband, she had been trying hard to at least be nice to him, and if anything, Mark was being nasty, cold towards her. But his feelings for her weren't known until one day Juliet went round to his for the videotape and when she began to watch it, the contents were just close ups of her. And then the scene in which captured my imagination is the one where he declares his feelings for her in the form of words on a card, and a good few of them along with some funny ones in between.

He set out "without hope or agenda" to tell her his feelings. And how after it, he has to move on. And that love is actually all around us. So when he had finished, he had walked a few yards from the door and Juliet runs and gives him a kiss.....

However as romantic as the whole thing may be, she did the right thing in fulfilling her marriage and ran back inside.

There he said Enough, enough now.

He moves on.

A movie, and a short story if it were. Both have a similar theme.... Both about someone who, more times than none, you would love to be with, but their just too far out of reach.

And if you look at my heading for this entry; Unrequited Love.

It is the hardest thing.

For you to love someone but not have them love you back... sucks.

And I've not been in that situation many times, but even liking someone very very VERY much, but she just think your just a friend, or your just a wee brother or an older brother to me. It really hurts!!

I can say fortunately I haven't found myself in that situation many times, because for me, if I like someone, I could go on liking them for years and years. Like for example, a girl that I liked during my school years lasted from primary 7 up until S4 maybe.

I guess that was young love, stupid immature. Don't know the basics of love. But funny to look at when reminiscing.

But giving up hope is the hardest thing to do.

I don't give up that easily with anything. Some say I may be stubborn, and I'd probably agree with them.

Maybe sometimes you gotta realise that when something isn't meant to be...

It isn't meant to be.

And the quicker you know it, the better.

No point in shoving a square peg in a round hole as they say.

I'm sure if something is meant to be, then give it time. It will happen in time.

We all want to be loved.

We all want to love someone.

But sometimes it's not the right time, not the right person...

Nothing ever happens the ways you want it to, especially in love.

I know I've had my fair share of disappointments in this area.

But each one.

I've let go and I'll try again.....

Don't awaken love until it so desires.

PS. I Love You.

So anyways 9 months down the line, I'd like to add to the above blog.

Lovefool.

Love makes you do tons of things you wouldn't do at any other point in your life.

I can't think of many examples of me personally doing something I wouldn't do if it weren't for love.

But I once did go on a diet because she told me to.

Healthy but dead arduous.

But when we do things for that certain someone and when it becomes a force of habit are we habouring a hidden motive?

I'm sort of speaking to the boys here because being one myself I know that, that is what we love to show to girls.

Correct?

Don't get me wrong, a girl might sort of like you because of your good deeds.

However it isn't all they look for.

Be careful boys because your good deeds might be taken for granted.

And girls, we don't like that.

But this can happen the other way too.

A lot of the times, we chase after things which don't necessarily want to be chased after.

The quicker you realise this, the better.

You spend everything you have to satisfy your desire.

Their need.

Yet their just taking advantage of you.

Really I don't think you should get to that stage.

Because really love should be a two way thing.

If only one is chasing and the other one just happily going through the emotions then there is no love between you that will last for any long period.

So relating it to us, he or she doesn't reciprocate that love we give them.

Why?

Only they know.

What's the point in chasing something, someone that doesn't want to be chased after?

I sound like a pessimist but in love I think you would have played your strong cards first before they see your tail end.

And if they saw that, trying to change their opinions of you is hard.

If they haven't started liking you after a while, take your good heart elsewhere.

PS. I Love You.

What Lies Beneath.

I don't usually do my dirty laundry online but in this instance I couldn't care if the person reads this because this person really ought to know that I'm not too pleased.

But out of the kindness of my heart, I don't state names on this blog.

Anyways.

Not much bothers me.

If something does annoy me then I try to think of a way around it or at least don't let it affect me.

And its quite ironic that in the hour previous I was at Sunday School teaching the kids to keep to themselves, and if anything annoys them that they should turn a blind eye to it..

However...

Something someone said to me really flustered me.

I'm kind of annoyed at this person for other reasons previous but being the person that I am, I don't let it affect our relationship as friends much.

I try to forgive.

Saying C'est la vie.

That's life.

It's really hard to think a couple of years ago, me and this person were the best of friends, but now life has taken us elsewhere.

And now, at times I'm really hurt, but for this person rather than myself.

I feel sad.

I feel bad that I have to bad mouth about it to extinguish my frustration.

I feel sad that they are who they are.

Because beneath it all.

I know who they are.

So many people with so many facades.

I wish they'd take it down and show us all who you really all are.

Why don't you give yourself and us a break and just be who you are.

No need to be nice if you don't want to.

Your only kidding yourself.

Sorry if you were expecting a love story blog.

But this one has been a labour of love coming to an end because I've decided that I can't entertain this person any longer.

I can only be civil and love from a distance.

But other than that, its too much at this moment in time.

PS. I Love You.

Conflict of Friends.

I really hate it when a couple of friends are at loggerheads.

One hand is your friend.

The other is your friend.

Which one do you help?

Try as you might to extinguish the situation for them, how do you do it without appearing nosy?

In situations like these you shouldn't remain silent.....

For long anyway.

I think things are better said than not said.

No matter how bad they are to hear.

You should practice being honest with each other.

Otherwise you'll never know what your doing right and what your doing wrong.

It really gets in my nerves when people can be so belligerent towards one another.

I hold up my hands.

I can be like that myself.

But I won't show it.

Nor will I act on it.

But I will not be like that to them for long.

If someone hurts me, I can be angry for a bit, but I won't keep it stored.

Sometimes the best of relationships are ruined because of the hurt.

Why?

Nothing can hurt that bad can it?

The pain of it only lasts as long as you want it to.

You control how much someone can hurt you.

And you control how long the pain will linger on for.

I don't know about you but I try to be everyone's friend.

Even if I don't achieve that, then at least be civil with them.

It hurts me to hurt someone.

I don't like doing it.

So that's why at the end of the night...

Beginning of the new day..

All is forgotten.

To me, you don't have to say sorry.

PS. I Love You.

Try and Try, but For What?

I was saying to someone that for me, when I observe somebody's relationship with their other half, and when they have a dispute, that I'd normally side with the guy.

Why?

Because I'm a guy myself and if anything, I should look out for him.

I might not agree with the guy but most of the time, when the guy is wrong, all crumbles around him.

And I guess what I'm there to do is help him out of his rut.

But when the dust is settled and everything is hunky dory, is it really?

This not need to apply to relationships.

But also friendships.

Particularly with girls.

I use the word girls here because most of them aren't mature enough to be called women.

I know guys.

Some of them have gone through hell and back to please their other half,

Yet its not enough for them.

I know even girls who try hard with their girlfriends yet they all seem to fall short of their acceptance.

The world is always looking to crawl up someone's ass.

Some ones like it.

Some ones don't.

I really annoys me when I or other people (friends) have tried with other people yet they hit a brick wall.

Sometimes I wonder why even bother.

It's very un-Christian of me, of any Christian.

But even God hits a brick wall with some.

Sometimes I try so hard.

Yet I feel as though they don't see that I'm trying.

Or couldn't care if they notice or not.

PS. I Love You.

Here today. Gone tomorrow...

Before I start, I don't usually mention anyone's name in particular in my entries but in the blog entry, I think it would only be right to break that trend. So here goes:

Wednesday 29th July 2009.

The day had started off like any other day, and like the other two before it, Ling and I got up around 0930hrs, though she had been feeling unwell throughout the night so I'm not entirely sure about how many hours of sleep she has got. Not much I'm guessing as I often witnessed her getting up from the lying down position. And apparently my snoring is very loud...

Anyways we went down for breakfast soon after and Ling had said the night before that she wasn't going to eat anything apart from congee for breakfast... but she had that as well as four steamed "baus" (buns). Might as well since its buffet breakfast...

Once breakfast was done with, we went back to our room to pack our luggage and to check out before midday. Nothing exciting so far...

Anyways once we'd checked out of our hotel, we had a couple of hours to kill, in which we had decided to go obtain a dress that Ling had bought the night before but for her sister..

Unfortunately for me, she had spent her last Ringgits (Malaysian currency) on the hotel and the taxi to the airport, so I was left to pay for Ling's shopping spree.

She guilt tripped me!

So I bought her a dress,
a watch,
some travel band thing,
and something else....

I'll not say what that something else is, but before your mind goes wondering, its nothing dirty but something personal and essential..

Anyways at 1400hrs, we had to be back to our hotel to get our taxi to the airport. The taxi turned out to be a mini van.. And beforehand, I was wondering why our trip to the airport was cheaper than the other way around... Was it because it wasn't air conditioned? Anyway it was so yeh!

Got to the airport, checked in, Ling's luggage was overweight, her impressions of what one kg or any amount were totally out... She thought her little bag of cables and two 500ml bottles of water weighed at least 4kg but when I went to weigh it, it was only 1.5kg. But anyways she eventually got through. She just had to make heavy her hand carry. Went to have McDonalds for a late lunch. Ling had been a little bit moany at the beginning of lunch but better as the meal progressed. Finished lunch, boarded our flight, flight was delayed for about a half hour, got to Kuala Lumpur, checked into my massively small hotel room.. used the toilet, sink was leaking, allocated a new room, unpacked, showered and pretty much soon after, we went back to the airport.

So as Ling checked in, I managed to connect to the free wifi at the airport, checked my Facebook and one of my college friends had written that the results of first year had been sent to him.. I became a little anxious as to what lays at home when I return... I'm not expecting a great result and I felt a little worried of what the future will bring.

Anyways Ling came running back towards me to get her keys to the luggage, as again she was overweight, but this time only by one kg. But she got there in the end and thereafter we decided where to have our last supper.. There wasn't much to choose from and Ling wanted something oriental. But my appetite had gone, or I wasn't hungry but we finally settled on this coffee house called Old Town and throughout our holiday in Penang, we near enough went to one of the branches every day as it offer their customers free wifi. And Ling thought I wanted to go there so I can go online (as I can't live without the net as she says). In some levels Ling was right, I did want to go online, but not badly. But when I got there, it suddenly came out....

Tears....

I cried in this coffee house because Ling, my big sister was leaving me.

I'm normally made of steel and I don't cry often but in the midst of strangers, Ling to my left, I made my feelings clear that I'd miss her much.

I weeped...

People must have looked at me thinking what's happening to him? Has Ling told me some bad news?

Anyways I kinda used up all the tissues that Ling had given me to wipe away my tears, so I went to buy her some at the shop. Whilst there I also found a heat pack for her back as she complained of it being sore. So being the brother that I am to her, I bought her a pack. Got back to her and Ling had taken a bite of what was supposed to be Kaya Toast, but in my moment in sorrow, I had ticked the wrong box...

Sighs....

Either way, it was edible but I didn't eat it. I was really down because the sudden realisation that Ling is going. She eventually gave way to, seeing me cry made her cry too...

But trying to hold up the ship, we also tried to make each other laugh as well.

Anyways got to 2230hrs, we decided that she have to make her way to the gate....

I helped her with her luggage one last time and we hugged, and I said a short prayer as we hugged. And then I walked her to until I could not go any further...

I watched her go.

She looked back a few times.

I didn't look at anything other than her and once she got to the escalator up..

I waved.

She waved.

Bye Bye...

Thinking back to the last events is making me emotional, but holding up my guard, I think of the good things about Ling. Often we joked about leaving the nasty, the moany side of each other which in ways is good... But for me, her negative ways are only momentarily and that its just what people are like.

Were moany, and were nasty...

For me, the last few years I've gotten to know Ling quite well, she'd tell me things and vice versa. I was there for her through her bad times, but also shared happy times. But what really sums it for me is that Ling was like a big sister to me. I often refer to her as 'dai jeh jeh', following the rest of her family in what they called Ling, and this stuck.

Although we aren't, we annoyed each other, and enjoyed each other's company like if we were really siblings.

I don't have real life siblings and for me to adopt her as my big sister, I chose the right girl.

Not that Ling needed any other brothers but I sure treated her like my own and vice versa.

Guys often like doing things for girls and for me, it really depends on who that girl is?

Is it family? Is it the girl that you like? or is it my mum?

But with Ling, I found myself helping her more times than none. I'd always try to be there for her. She was my fragile sister that I try to take care of...

But on the night of Wednesday 29th July 2009, I said to her before she went;

Look after yourself Ling, I won't be there to look after you.

I actually don't remember if I said it like that, but what I said, that's what I mean, and if your reading this Ling, please remind me if you remember.

But that night is made sad because I can't be there for her in Australia. Not that I want to follow her but that I want to know that she is doing well and also help her if she needed.

But Ling has gone to new pastures and I really hope she does make it down under.

My general demeanour about this whole thing is that Ling will be back home before she, I, and you'll know it. But I finally said to her a bit before she left that my head thinks that but my heart wants her to flourish, and she felt she wasn't doing that back in Glasgow.

I'm finally letting her go.

As I write this entry, I really miss her and please before your mind wonders, our friendship was pure platonic.

I often say that in times when she wants me to do something for her, I almost feel like that I'm holding her hand in it, and that if she doesn't feel comfortable in a situation and if I happen to be there, I'll hold her hand and ride out the storm with her.

Not literally of course.

Though sometimes we'd grab onto each other's wrists as we crossed the road in Malaysia. The traffic is pedestrian unfriendly. Me being me, I always make sure I was the first one to be hit/ knocked down should a car hit us.

There's the side of me that wants to protect her too, and whilst we are in different worlds, I can't do that anymore..

I don't generally give Ling much credit but on this migration to Australia, she has often amazed me in how resilient she can be..

She sure doesn't show it back at home but I guess when no one is there to do it for her, she has to do it on her own.

We have been freed from our duties of helping Ling if you ever had any.

But I don't know you.

But I know me.

I know that one of life's greatest joys is helping people, and I believe all the little insignificant things I've ever done for her, she'll remember at least one or two and say;

Raymond; a good guy.

If I manage to make everyone think that, then I'd die happily.

Well Ling, my dai jeh jeh;

I miss you so much.

Wherever you are in the world, I'm sending you my love.

Safe journeys.

x



PS. I Love You.

Gone but still Moonwalking in Our Hearts.

No many individuals can, had or have captured the world's imagination so much the way he has.

What a legend that is Michael Jackson.

I can't say I'm his biggest fan.

Nor his biggest fanatic.

But an observer of half his life.

I remember the first song that I ever remember that was from Michael Jackson was his Earth Song.

I was about 7-8 when that was out and I remember the song was good for me in the fact that it was kinda catchy, and it has a good tune to it.

But I didn't understand what the lyrics meant until I was older.

Obviously now that I am older, I know the song is about the environmental destruction we've caused to the world.

So this is my first taste of who MJ was.

And as I've gotten older, I began to listen to music from years past and one name that is always mentioned is Michael Jackson.

His music has been put on albums which have to this date outsold anything else before and after it.

His songs are songs that I remember well.

Even though I wasn't aware of his peak in popularity.

I've done my homework on him.

I don't foresee any artist hereon in selling the amount of albums as Jackson did.

He is truly a legend.

His death is untimely.

At 50, you'd think you have a good few decades at least.

But unfortunately for us, he's in a better place right now.

Rest in Peace Michael Jackson.

........................

My mood has been sombre today because of his death.

The breaking news from the night before touched my heart.

And tonight when I was working, I had a sense of 'I know how Michael Jackson felt'....

Although I wasn't pressured to lead a life of fame and fortune.

I've never been pressured to do anything in my life.

But I've had obligations which I had to fulfil which I don't know if they've hampered me in any way.

Of course if asked, I'd say yes they did.

But thinking about it deeply, I maybe just didn't give myself the best chance in life.

And tonight, when I was working in the shop, the wee boy had said from the start of work, he didn't want to be working tonight.

He never wants to work.

I guess that was no different.

I see him sitting there, playing with his pathetic iPhone and poking it here and there, finger left and right, parents in the kitchen shouting at him to give them a hand, and I was wading in with pleas of assistance but because I'm kind of his employee, I didn't ask with like a cry for help way, but a nice give me a hand.

But anyways his parent's plea, and my requests fell on deaf ears.

His dad shouted at him later and said come into the kitchen and help us or go home.

When he heard the words 'go home', he immediately sprung from the chair and proceeded to the door.

And that was him.

I was thinking about how my life had been like that.

In the past, in my first shop, when I was old enough, I'd be working in the counter and the kitchen.

There was a point when and where I didn't like it.

I wanted to be playing with my friends, running about.

But I got over that stage when I started to get paid decent.

Hehe.

And when I realised that life isn't always about playing.

But here is this little boy who absolutely detests working there, yet because he is their parent's son, he has to.

One wonders how many other kids are forced into a working situation like him.

Like me.

Like Michael Jackson.

Although we can't compare ourselves with Michael Jackson.

The fact that we were doing things when really, we ought to be playing with our friends, having a laugh.

We've been working for our parents.

I can't complain really, I was only working like a few nights a week.

That's nothing compared to Michael Jackson, who has been doing from pretty much the day he could walk.

He missed out on his childhood.

And although this wee boy at work will not have worked the same amount of hours as Michael did.

One thing they'll have in common is that they'll say is their childhoods weren't the ones that they wished for.

I can't say whether their parenting is good or not.

But one thing is for certain is that I don't want my children working when they don't want to.

Children should be children.

PS. I Love You.