For you avid reader, I apologise for the radio silence..

It's not like nothings happened since I last blogged but that I just didn't document it..

But I want to write again because I find writing, whether it be handwritten or typed to be quite therapeutic.

I want to write here because I know it is almost a safe haven where I can share my feelings without it being made into almost public news.

I am going to be explicit.

I think I normally beat about the bush.

But let's not waste your time or mine trying to decipher what I am about to say..



The truth is, there is a yearning in me for someone.

And this person, I've gotten to know a bit during the period that I've been away from home.

She is such a fantastic example of what a great human being ought to be.

Very down to earth, sensitive, caring and the whole lot.

All of her qualities make her so attractive.

Basically, she makes me want to be a better person.

She really is everything and more.



However...

Have I left it too late?

Are we now in the 'friend zone'?

Realistically, would she even consider me?

Especially with my idiosyncrasies and bad humour...

Would I consider me?

These feelings that I have been having are only just beginning to surface..

I've always found her qualities very attractive yet I wasn't interested in her in that way until recently.

I guess the more I hung out with her and the more I knew about her, the intrigue of her deepened.

The more she made me laugh, the more I thought-

She's gotta be in for a shout.



I think I've been careful with how I've conducted myself with her.

I've been nice and all that.

Tried to just be myself and make her and everyone laugh-

Thats me.

But I don't want to give her the sniff that I like her yet..

I don't know when and if I should..


I feel at times that she is someone that is beyond my reach.

I feel at times that something is hindering me from even approaching the subject with her.

I know that this is not the time.

When will it be?

Yet if I don't say now,

will someone else say?

Will someone else get there before me?


I have to admit, it is tough playing this patience game.

It really hurts.

Because like I said, if I don't get in there, someone else could and will.

How could someone else not see and like her qualities....


It really hurts!


Unfortunately, I don't think this is the time just yet..

But could someone make it their time?


Dilemma...


I just hope that by trusting in God's perfect timing and plan for me that He will lead me to the one.

Whether it be her...

or someone else.

This is no April Fool's.

It's real.

PS. I Love You.

Be Content or Be Greedy?

I've had this feeling for a while now.

Ever since I got back from my trip aboard.

Life is greener on the other side....

But is thinking about this an aimless pursuit?

My holiday to Australia was brilliant and I can't recommend going there enough. Even though everything is soooo expensive there, the experiences was great! I had probably the best times of my life, if not definitely best holiday ever. The place was amazing, people were friendly, were relaxed and were easy going. Definitely a different world over there.

Makes me think what it is I like about here?

There isn't much really now that I've seen what the fuss is about.

Apart from it being my home, if I could would I walk away from here?

I've been disheartened by the things around me which in the past I saw past but now I'm beginning to wonder..

Nothing is on par as it is there...

But am I being too greedy?

Am I just unfairly comparing two very different situations?

There's so many pro and cons to both places.

Will pursuing this momentary happiness fix things?

......

......

......

Probably not...

I need another holiday!

Unfortunately the downside to coming home from such a fantastic place is coming home.

If only you can be on your holiday mode all the time it will be great!

If only Glasgow was ever changing so that it looks more modern each time I see it.

But unfortunately it's all drab.

But should I question where I am?

Can I question where I am?

Is pursuing happiness elsewhere the fix to all things?

Should it be?

Regardless of where you are, more than the less of the time your worries and problems will follow you.

Leave them where you are.

Start making your way to Heaven.

PS. I Love You.

An Overdue Insight Into My Life.

So much has changed since I last blogged..

I was actually gonna blog at the end of January to update the people that choose to read this blog of mine which probably there isn't many.

But just haven't been arsed really.

A bit of not much to document on, and a bit of no one really gives a toot.

But to the few people who've asked me why I haven't blogged then this entry is for you.

You know who you are.

So what's happened since the summer of 2010....

Well pretty much this is a negative entry.

There's no laughter here this time round.

Pretty gloomy.

But anyways, as you'll probably know that I am in another country now.

Another time zone.

I say when I go back home and forth, I travel through time because Aberdeen is so 1911, whereas everywhere else is 2011.

It is really that dull here.

Some say I don't venture out much, and that's true I guess.

But when there's nothing to see then why go out?

I've made some friends but they ain't close friends yet like the ones at home.

I've heard from somewhere, from someone that as you get older, the more difficult it is to make friends....

I don't think there is a logically reasoning behind that theory but while I'm up here, it is very true.

I kind of got this feeling that I'm only here to study and friends are secondary but sometimes when you just feel shhh you kinda want a pal to have a laugh with or laugh at.

There's been a few times where in the solitude I feel I just want to breakdown and cry.

You could say I'm not dealing well with being away from home.

I wouldn't go far as to say I can't hack it anymore and I want to go home.

But I certainly wish I had more home comforts here.

But in saying that if I had to do it all again I'd pick studying in Aberdeen over Edinburgh.

Truth is that I've come to like Aberdeen as my place of education.

I don't have a comparison.

I don't know what it's like in Edinburgh, but certainly if I studied in Edinburgh, I'd be able to go home after the days' classes.

Here, I walk literally a minute, two if I walk slowly back to my messy, soul sapping dormitory.

I rather walk the 50 miles between Edinburgh and Glasgow.

There isn't much if anything I like about Aberdeen.

I've not been the best advert for it. Ha

There's no girls at church sighs. Haha.

I don't have a TV here.

It's just a nightmare.

....

But I know that this was God's plan for me.

I don't know what He had in store for me but I hope I am living it up for Him.

I'm not to sure if I'm meant to do His' work or I'm meant to do something for me (as selfish as it sounds, I mean teach myself a thing or two)

I'm certainly feeling that I'm at the point where I need a pick-me-up.

I feel so lethargic and I yearn for this semester to hurry on by so I can fly away for a wee while.

There's no specific reason why I feel like this but rather a combination of things.

The upsides are I've not failed anything so far and I pray that that continues.

I work hard and I push myself to my limits when I want to.

Sometimes to the annoyances of others but when I want something done, it's my way or the highway.

The downsides are that home is so far away.

And that for me is one hell of a downer...

I love going back home when I can but it sucks that it only is a temporary fix from the pain I feel a lot up here.

I've missed out on a few things while I've been up here, nothing major but it would have been nice to just show my face and just been there.

I miss the fun at home.

Feel self-excluded....

But at this moment in time, I wish Summer would hurry up and come.

There's so much work to be done, I really can't take my foot of the gas.

But I need a fill up because my red light is about to come on.

PS. I Love You.

Wherever You Will Go.

Forgive the title of this post.

I'm not sure what to call it.

Should it have been a happy or sad title?

But either way..

The summers gone.

And it signals the beginning of my new beginning...

I've waited for this moment for a long time.

And now that its here.

I kinda wished it was further away.

Someone said it should be easier going rather than staying where all your friends will miss you..

I thought about that and at no point did I think that statement is true either side.

The last couple of months have been a host of farewells to that person and another.

Rather sad to see people leave for other places.

Almost brings/

Almost brought me to tears when they left and the one who's only going down the road.

But I have to be real and face reality.

Kinda what I've been through this year.

Me being here in Aberdeen was not planned for by me at all!

But you know, I just picked Aberdeen in the UCAS form because it was one of the places that offered the course which I wanted to do at the time.

I got rejected from Strathclyde almost immediately.

Really downbeat when I found out.

But the show had to go on.

Because the next day was my first interview for Dundee.

The interview was not how I dreamt it and the interviewer person basically said that I chose the wrong subject.

Great.

Having five choices, I picked all of them same subject.

But different cities.

I realised in hindsight that my naivety got me where I was at that moment in time.

I had very little option in how to proceed thereafter.

Having made all my choices.

I either void them all.

Or ask one of the universities to change my choice of subject.

I took option C which was to ask a university in how I would obtain a place in the course in which I had not applied to..

I basically got a blank wall.

Although the person I liaised with was nice, but the door was closed.

I couldn't get in.

I asked about clearing?

The guy dismissed that opportunity..

I was in disarray.

Do I chance voiding all my choices so I could re-apply but it would have been well past the deadline date.

Or ask Aberdeen to change my application.

But on a Friday night, I got two emails for UCAS saying that a status of my application had changed for one of my choices.

So when I got home, I thought what university had rejected me now..

Robert Gordon in Aberdeen.

They rejected my choice of subject.

But they offered me an unconditional offer for the subject in which the interviewer told me to do.

I was elated!

Before the joyous moment.

I had much soul searching, bang in the head realisation of what I am and what I am capable of.

Thinking back I chose the first choice because I liked the abbreviations after your name you'd get for studying it.

But realistically it was maybe a step too far in terms of my qualifications.

Definitely a bridge too far for what I'd be capable of.

But don't think of this as a setback.

I really ought to have made the course I'm doing now a fallback in my UCAS application but I naively didn't.

Bit arrogant as well.

But all is in hindsight and I live to tell the tale.

The couple of weeks ago, the sermon I heard went a little something like this;

God will take care of you in every eventuality.

If you have a plan B in everything you do, then you are not trusting God with what you do.

I'm sure God lets your plan A prevail from time to time.

But when His plan A isn't according to yours.

He's wins.

And you ultimately have to walk the longer way to your goal.

I think God has placed me here in Aberdeen for a reason.

A reason which I will hopefully found out in time.

In the season where everyone else is moving.

Me being very reluctant at first..

I now relish what He has in store for me.

Although the 'all by myself' bit is kinda sad...

I must brave it.

For He will not give me anything I can not handle.

I miss you.

PS. I Love You.

A(+) Grand Finish

As of yesterday night, I am now able to close a chapter of my life titled;

Graded Unit Hell.

My hiatus from blogging has been because of the arduous roller coaster ride which I unfortunately enrolled myself into in September 09'.

I can't say honestly all my life has been overtaken by it but for sure it was on my close chain of thoughts daily these last few months and especially the last two weeks.

The me was withdrawn from me and turned into an AutoCAD and PhotoShop churning machine.

But it has been worth the sleepless nights.

Because I achieved an A+ for my project.

I am so happy with myself!

Praise God.

Stupid computers not working well, crashes, taking forever to render, Frank not approving your design..

Is all in the past now.

The day couldn't come any faster because there was a point where I couldn't be bothered anymore but obviously I knew that I would be a fool to let it all slip away and settle for any old grade.

But I wanted an A.

I duly delivered.

Last time round when such a project was given to me, I somehow managed to get a B grade.

I don't really know how I managed it because my performance on the project was terrible. I probably only started it at most a month before the hand in date.

And throughout the summer holidays of 09', I was worried about the grade that lay ahead when I return from the Far East.

I remember that when I touched down onto Scottish soil that I was bursting to get home to open up that envelope to see what I had achieved.

Behold a B.

My goodness how did I manage that?

But I wasn't complaining.

I don't think my work was bad.

It's just I could have done so much better I think.

But c'est la vie.

But unfortunately the B grade did affect me later on...

In January I received the news that I had been rejected for application into Strathclyde University to undertake their architectural studies course without interview which would have enabled me to become an architect had I got in.

The night that I had realised this had happened, the following day I had an interview with Dundee University.

I've not had many interviews..

Probably could count how many with my fingers on one of my hands.

But if Carlsberg did interviews for architectural studies in Dundee University then this one wouldn't have been made by them.

It wasn't bad as such, but at the time I felt what a crushing blow.

The interviewer told me my skills are best served in another specialism...

A major rethink of what I'm meant to do with my life...

I think I took the interviewer's opinion onboard very quickly and rather than let the disappointment kill me...

I explored the option that he told me to have a look at.

I phoned.

I looked.

A door was closed.

In hindsight, I was kidding myself!

I am not fancy.

I am straight to the point.

And that is a negative if you want to be an architect.

I felt so stupid for being naive.

But just as things seemed to be at 'could be better' stage

Robert Gordon University of Aberdeen offered me a place onto the architectural technology course.

The course that the interviewer said I'd be most suited for.

I couldn't believe my eyes when I read my UCAS status next to their name.

Unconditional.

I still had three more universities to hear from but my mind had been made.

If I am to pursue further education, it will be in Aberdeen.

Of course it is miles and miles away from where I am.

A totally different country!

But I believe God is telling me to head that way.

There is nothing else for me here.

Jobs suitable for me are as common as the total eclipse.

So I think...

My body is in Aberdeen just now.

My head and heart in Glasgow.

It's hard to contemplate the next chapter of my life but for sure I never shy away from a challenge.

There won't be any trepidation.

I must be bold..

It's mind blowing how everything happens for a reason.

Things you wouldn't expect..

Things you wouldn't want to happen..

But somehow

Things turn out for the best.

And I believe my B grade in my first year Graded Unit has got me where I am today.

And for that I am blessed and thankful.

Anyways....

Let's not get carried away until I get an actual confirmation on a certificate to say that I got an A.

Unfortunately SQA don't do pluses or minuses after the grade.

Let me sleep!

PS. I Love You. my classmates I've met the last two years. All the best with your future.

A Bridge Too Far.

So it came to the boiling point yesterday.

Never has a hand shake been so scrutinised.

And in the end..

You probably know what happened.

I was hoping for a slap or some sort to get my blood boiling.

The villain receiving his dues from his victim.

The ultimate snub.

The least he should be receiving in my opinion.

What am I talking about for you news shy people;

John Terry and Wayne Bridge.

So the story begins when John Terry is found to have had an affair with Wayne Bridge's ex girlfriend, mother of his child, in their house, whilst Bridge's son was in there.

Some say Bridge is overreacting here but the fact that his one time friend Terry had sex with someone whilst his son was in close proximity was enough to tick him over.

And the fact that he is ticked over means Bridge still had feelings for her...

I can understand people with this argument.

But at the end of the day, John Terry did so much wrong than he did right.

First of foremost; He cheated.

What a scum for that!

Footballers get paid millions and millions, and for them to think that they're above the law and morals is a joke.

Look at Tiger Woods and how he has fallen from grace....

I'm not a judge.

I won't be the judge.

But I think I'm qualified enough to say what some people do, is wrong.

Secondly;

Bro before Ho.

It's like a rule within the male population that you shouldn't lay your eyes on someone's else other half.

Even says so in the Ten Commandments.

It's hard.

I know.

I've at times, looked at someone else's girl and wondered.

I've even come to like them more than I should.

But every time, I've had to suppress those feelings because it isn't right.

No matter how much you yearn for her, it won't happen for the duration that person is with another.

So for John Terry to like someone other than his wife..

For me, its so up the wall WRONG.

I sympathise with him to an extent..

But get a grip man.

But what's my point of this entry?

I wonder what the Christian viewpoint is regarding this story.

I've given you a brief background to it if you didn't already know.

I want to focus on the hand shake that wasn't.

Were all taught to love our enemies.

It is one of the hardest Commandments to adhere to.

And if I were in Wayne Bridge's situation, on the pitch, one time friend, betrayer, would I have shaken his hand?

I'd probably not.

I particularly would avoid shaking hands with him because if I did, it would look as if Terry had won the day.

Which he shouldn't win.

Saved his marriage he did.

Fair dos to his wife.

I don't condone divorces.

But when your spouse strays, you lose trust and wonder..

Is marriage even right for me?

Mend it, don't end it.

But I think Bridge will need to bury the hatchet at a later date.

He can't go on snubbing this no good fiend.

We've all made mistakes.

And unfortunately, he hasn't made one at all (in this case) and he is the victim...

The wound is so fresh.

Forgiveness isn't easy.

What would I do....

I don't know.

For sure I hope I won't have to figure that out.

But first and foremost is..

Forgive.

PS. I Love You.

Our Weakest Link.

I was walking to school the other day I saw a large flock of birds rather round this lady who by the looks of things, is their provider.

As in, she threw on the ground some bread crumbs or whatever it may be.

And the day before, I heard a sermon about how if we fixed our eyes on God then everything will turn out fine.

However that's not to say that bad things can't happen.

In everything we do, God will surely be with us.

So with that in mind.

Why is it I worry?

Well easy answer is its human nature to worry.

And the last time I checked, I am a human.

Not worrying about things is easier said than done.

You can take your mind of things for a period of time, but if you don't deal with it at some point, it will come back to haunt you.

Though digging deeper, its all about insecurities and anxieties.

That's why we worry.

I'm going through some at the moment in my life where I feel that a lot of uncertainty is weighing me down.

I have a lot of insecurities,

And lot of anxieties.

I'm the kind of person who takes life day by day.

Yes, I do plan what I want to do tomorrow, next week, next month.

But I haven't been one who looks too far ahead.

I guess sometimes for the surprise of what the new day will bring.

But for the majority, I guess looking too far ahead is maybe a little bit unrealistic.

I sound very pessimistic and I guess it kind of tells you the situation I find myself.

There's time in life where decisions are made and more likely than not, if you make the wrong choice, its very hard to correct.

I've made the bad choices years ago, and live to tell the tale.

But fortunately, I have been able to correct the wrong to an extent thus far.

However not as I would have ultimately hoped for, but I'm sure whatever lessons you learn in life will only make you stronger and wiser.

It's good you can atone for your errors.

I'm doing so right now.

But there's a point where its make or break.

And these coming months until late summer will be my make or break.

I've let my foot of the gas a lot.

But hopefully when my back is against the wall, that I will prevail and ultimately obtain my goal.

In the time of desperation, that I will excel beyond what is required.

Every day counts and I dare not look too far ahead.

Maybe I should because I look towards to a future I hope to have.

But importantly I should look also to the present to make sure I am not deterring away from the future.

What happens today shapes tomorrow.

I wish every new day was really a new day in that we start afresh.

But in saying that, we wouldn't have anything to look forward to if that did happen.

If God takes care of the birds, then He will take care of me,

Of you,

Of us.

But ultimately, worry about today.

Tomorrow will take care of itself.

PS. I Love You.

Unrequited Love Revisited.

Near the end of March of 2009, I wrote this blog ' Unrequited Love'

How come the most romantic things ever done have been done in movies so when, if you tried to reproduce it, the other half will say; how original? and in the movies, that person doesn't actually want to do those things in real life.

But I got a hold of Love Actually DVD in Christmas and I've actually not watched it up until now and though it think the movie isn't Richard Curtis' best (I prefer Notting Hill), there seems to be a developing trend in the movies that I've seen that he has written. And that is the pivotal scene...

In Notting Hill, the scene in which I believe tells the whole story is the scene where Anna Scott (Julia Roberts) stands in front of the boy, the man that she likes; William Thacker and sells her heart out. Up to this point they dated, comforted her, slept together, he'd had his heart broken because Anna is famous, and her love life is the stuff the papers write about and stuff. But at the end of the day, famous and all that, Anna is still just a girl. Standing in front of a boy. Asking him to love her.

And unfortunately for her, the "daft prick" William rejected her request.....

Though later realises his mistake and a mad dash across the poshest hotels in London, and he asks Anna to reconsider him, eventhough he had originally rejected her.

Lovely moment, I love the movie.

And in Love Actually, although not pivotal but the one that stands out from all the other scenes is the scene in which Mark (Andrew Lincoln) portrays or a better word/s; declares his feelings to Juliet (Keira Knightley). And unfortunately for him, she is someone that he can't have. Up to this point, Juliet had requested video tapes of her wedding, in which Mark was the groom's best man. Because Mark is best friends with her husband, she had been trying hard to at least be nice to him, and if anything, Mark was being nasty, cold towards her. But his feelings for her weren't known until one day Juliet went round to his for the videotape and when she began to watch it, the contents were just close ups of her. And then the scene in which captured my imagination is the one where he declares his feelings for her in the form of words on a card, and a good few of them along with some funny ones in between.

He set out "without hope or agenda" to tell her his feelings. And how after it, he has to move on. And that love is actually all around us. So when he had finished, he had walked a few yards from the door and Juliet runs and gives him a kiss.....

However as romantic as the whole thing may be, she did the right thing in fulfilling her marriage and ran back inside.

There he said Enough, enough now.

He moves on.

A movie, and a short story if it were. Both have a similar theme.... Both about someone who, more times than none, you would love to be with, but their just too far out of reach.

And if you look at my heading for this entry; Unrequited Love.

It is the hardest thing.

For you to love someone but not have them love you back... sucks.

And I've not been in that situation many times, but even liking someone very very VERY much, but she just think your just a friend, or your just a wee brother or an older brother to me. It really hurts!!

I can say fortunately I haven't found myself in that situation many times, because for me, if I like someone, I could go on liking them for years and years. Like for example, a girl that I liked during my school years lasted from primary 7 up until S4 maybe.

I guess that was young love, stupid immature. Don't know the basics of love. But funny to look at when reminiscing.

But giving up hope is the hardest thing to do.

I don't give up that easily with anything. Some say I may be stubborn, and I'd probably agree with them.

Maybe sometimes you gotta realise that when something isn't meant to be...

It isn't meant to be.

And the quicker you know it, the better.

No point in shoving a square peg in a round hole as they say.

I'm sure if something is meant to be, then give it time. It will happen in time.

We all want to be loved.

We all want to love someone.

But sometimes it's not the right time, not the right person...

Nothing ever happens the ways you want it to, especially in love.

I know I've had my fair share of disappointments in this area.

But each one.

I've let go and I'll try again.....

Don't awaken love until it so desires.

PS. I Love You.

So anyways 9 months down the line, I'd like to add to the above blog.

Lovefool.

Love makes you do tons of things you wouldn't do at any other point in your life.

I can't think of many examples of me personally doing something I wouldn't do if it weren't for love.

But I once did go on a diet because she told me to.

Healthy but dead arduous.

But when we do things for that certain someone and when it becomes a force of habit are we habouring a hidden motive?

I'm sort of speaking to the boys here because being one myself I know that, that is what we love to show to girls.

Correct?

Don't get me wrong, a girl might sort of like you because of your good deeds.

However it isn't all they look for.

Be careful boys because your good deeds might be taken for granted.

And girls, we don't like that.

But this can happen the other way too.

A lot of the times, we chase after things which don't necessarily want to be chased after.

The quicker you realise this, the better.

You spend everything you have to satisfy your desire.

Their need.

Yet their just taking advantage of you.

Really I don't think you should get to that stage.

Because really love should be a two way thing.

If only one is chasing and the other one just happily going through the emotions then there is no love between you that will last for any long period.

So relating it to us, he or she doesn't reciprocate that love we give them.

Why?

Only they know.

What's the point in chasing something, someone that doesn't want to be chased after?

I sound like a pessimist but in love I think you would have played your strong cards first before they see your tail end.

And if they saw that, trying to change their opinions of you is hard.

If they haven't started liking you after a while, take your good heart elsewhere.

PS. I Love You.

What Lies Beneath.

I don't usually do my dirty laundry online but in this instance I couldn't care if the person reads this because this person really ought to know that I'm not too pleased.

But out of the kindness of my heart, I don't state names on this blog.

Anyways.

Not much bothers me.

If something does annoy me then I try to think of a way around it or at least don't let it affect me.

And its quite ironic that in the hour previous I was at Sunday School teaching the kids to keep to themselves, and if anything annoys them that they should turn a blind eye to it..

However...

Something someone said to me really flustered me.

I'm kind of annoyed at this person for other reasons previous but being the person that I am, I don't let it affect our relationship as friends much.

I try to forgive.

Saying C'est la vie.

That's life.

It's really hard to think a couple of years ago, me and this person were the best of friends, but now life has taken us elsewhere.

And now, at times I'm really hurt, but for this person rather than myself.

I feel sad.

I feel bad that I have to bad mouth about it to extinguish my frustration.

I feel sad that they are who they are.

Because beneath it all.

I know who they are.

So many people with so many facades.

I wish they'd take it down and show us all who you really all are.

Why don't you give yourself and us a break and just be who you are.

No need to be nice if you don't want to.

Your only kidding yourself.

Sorry if you were expecting a love story blog.

But this one has been a labour of love coming to an end because I've decided that I can't entertain this person any longer.

I can only be civil and love from a distance.

But other than that, its too much at this moment in time.

PS. I Love You.

Conflict of Friends.

I really hate it when a couple of friends are at loggerheads.

One hand is your friend.

The other is your friend.

Which one do you help?

Try as you might to extinguish the situation for them, how do you do it without appearing nosy?

In situations like these you shouldn't remain silent.....

For long anyway.

I think things are better said than not said.

No matter how bad they are to hear.

You should practice being honest with each other.

Otherwise you'll never know what your doing right and what your doing wrong.

It really gets in my nerves when people can be so belligerent towards one another.

I hold up my hands.

I can be like that myself.

But I won't show it.

Nor will I act on it.

But I will not be like that to them for long.

If someone hurts me, I can be angry for a bit, but I won't keep it stored.

Sometimes the best of relationships are ruined because of the hurt.

Why?

Nothing can hurt that bad can it?

The pain of it only lasts as long as you want it to.

You control how much someone can hurt you.

And you control how long the pain will linger on for.

I don't know about you but I try to be everyone's friend.

Even if I don't achieve that, then at least be civil with them.

It hurts me to hurt someone.

I don't like doing it.

So that's why at the end of the night...

Beginning of the new day..

All is forgotten.

To me, you don't have to say sorry.

PS. I Love You.

Try and Try, but For What?

I was saying to someone that for me, when I observe somebody's relationship with their other half, and when they have a dispute, that I'd normally side with the guy.

Why?

Because I'm a guy myself and if anything, I should look out for him.

I might not agree with the guy but most of the time, when the guy is wrong, all crumbles around him.

And I guess what I'm there to do is help him out of his rut.

But when the dust is settled and everything is hunky dory, is it really?

This not need to apply to relationships.

But also friendships.

Particularly with girls.

I use the word girls here because most of them aren't mature enough to be called women.

I know guys.

Some of them have gone through hell and back to please their other half,

Yet its not enough for them.

I know even girls who try hard with their girlfriends yet they all seem to fall short of their acceptance.

The world is always looking to crawl up someone's ass.

Some ones like it.

Some ones don't.

I really annoys me when I or other people (friends) have tried with other people yet they hit a brick wall.

Sometimes I wonder why even bother.

It's very un-Christian of me, of any Christian.

But even God hits a brick wall with some.

Sometimes I try so hard.

Yet I feel as though they don't see that I'm trying.

Or couldn't care if they notice or not.

PS. I Love You.

Here today. Gone tomorrow...

Before I start, I don't usually mention anyone's name in particular in my entries but in the blog entry, I think it would only be right to break that trend. So here goes:

Wednesday 29th July 2009.

The day had started off like any other day, and like the other two before it, Ling and I got up around 0930hrs, though she had been feeling unwell throughout the night so I'm not entirely sure about how many hours of sleep she has got. Not much I'm guessing as I often witnessed her getting up from the lying down position. And apparently my snoring is very loud...

Anyways we went down for breakfast soon after and Ling had said the night before that she wasn't going to eat anything apart from congee for breakfast... but she had that as well as four steamed "baus" (buns). Might as well since its buffet breakfast...

Once breakfast was done with, we went back to our room to pack our luggage and to check out before midday. Nothing exciting so far...

Anyways once we'd checked out of our hotel, we had a couple of hours to kill, in which we had decided to go obtain a dress that Ling had bought the night before but for her sister..

Unfortunately for me, she had spent her last Ringgits (Malaysian currency) on the hotel and the taxi to the airport, so I was left to pay for Ling's shopping spree.

She guilt tripped me!

So I bought her a dress,
a watch,
some travel band thing,
and something else....

I'll not say what that something else is, but before your mind goes wondering, its nothing dirty but something personal and essential..

Anyways at 1400hrs, we had to be back to our hotel to get our taxi to the airport. The taxi turned out to be a mini van.. And beforehand, I was wondering why our trip to the airport was cheaper than the other way around... Was it because it wasn't air conditioned? Anyway it was so yeh!

Got to the airport, checked in, Ling's luggage was overweight, her impressions of what one kg or any amount were totally out... She thought her little bag of cables and two 500ml bottles of water weighed at least 4kg but when I went to weigh it, it was only 1.5kg. But anyways she eventually got through. She just had to make heavy her hand carry. Went to have McDonalds for a late lunch. Ling had been a little bit moany at the beginning of lunch but better as the meal progressed. Finished lunch, boarded our flight, flight was delayed for about a half hour, got to Kuala Lumpur, checked into my massively small hotel room.. used the toilet, sink was leaking, allocated a new room, unpacked, showered and pretty much soon after, we went back to the airport.

So as Ling checked in, I managed to connect to the free wifi at the airport, checked my Facebook and one of my college friends had written that the results of first year had been sent to him.. I became a little anxious as to what lays at home when I return... I'm not expecting a great result and I felt a little worried of what the future will bring.

Anyways Ling came running back towards me to get her keys to the luggage, as again she was overweight, but this time only by one kg. But she got there in the end and thereafter we decided where to have our last supper.. There wasn't much to choose from and Ling wanted something oriental. But my appetite had gone, or I wasn't hungry but we finally settled on this coffee house called Old Town and throughout our holiday in Penang, we near enough went to one of the branches every day as it offer their customers free wifi. And Ling thought I wanted to go there so I can go online (as I can't live without the net as she says). In some levels Ling was right, I did want to go online, but not badly. But when I got there, it suddenly came out....

Tears....

I cried in this coffee house because Ling, my big sister was leaving me.

I'm normally made of steel and I don't cry often but in the midst of strangers, Ling to my left, I made my feelings clear that I'd miss her much.

I weeped...

People must have looked at me thinking what's happening to him? Has Ling told me some bad news?

Anyways I kinda used up all the tissues that Ling had given me to wipe away my tears, so I went to buy her some at the shop. Whilst there I also found a heat pack for her back as she complained of it being sore. So being the brother that I am to her, I bought her a pack. Got back to her and Ling had taken a bite of what was supposed to be Kaya Toast, but in my moment in sorrow, I had ticked the wrong box...

Sighs....

Either way, it was edible but I didn't eat it. I was really down because the sudden realisation that Ling is going. She eventually gave way to, seeing me cry made her cry too...

But trying to hold up the ship, we also tried to make each other laugh as well.

Anyways got to 2230hrs, we decided that she have to make her way to the gate....

I helped her with her luggage one last time and we hugged, and I said a short prayer as we hugged. And then I walked her to until I could not go any further...

I watched her go.

She looked back a few times.

I didn't look at anything other than her and once she got to the escalator up..

I waved.

She waved.

Bye Bye...

Thinking back to the last events is making me emotional, but holding up my guard, I think of the good things about Ling. Often we joked about leaving the nasty, the moany side of each other which in ways is good... But for me, her negative ways are only momentarily and that its just what people are like.

Were moany, and were nasty...

For me, the last few years I've gotten to know Ling quite well, she'd tell me things and vice versa. I was there for her through her bad times, but also shared happy times. But what really sums it for me is that Ling was like a big sister to me. I often refer to her as 'dai jeh jeh', following the rest of her family in what they called Ling, and this stuck.

Although we aren't, we annoyed each other, and enjoyed each other's company like if we were really siblings.

I don't have real life siblings and for me to adopt her as my big sister, I chose the right girl.

Not that Ling needed any other brothers but I sure treated her like my own and vice versa.

Guys often like doing things for girls and for me, it really depends on who that girl is?

Is it family? Is it the girl that you like? or is it my mum?

But with Ling, I found myself helping her more times than none. I'd always try to be there for her. She was my fragile sister that I try to take care of...

But on the night of Wednesday 29th July 2009, I said to her before she went;

Look after yourself Ling, I won't be there to look after you.

I actually don't remember if I said it like that, but what I said, that's what I mean, and if your reading this Ling, please remind me if you remember.

But that night is made sad because I can't be there for her in Australia. Not that I want to follow her but that I want to know that she is doing well and also help her if she needed.

But Ling has gone to new pastures and I really hope she does make it down under.

My general demeanour about this whole thing is that Ling will be back home before she, I, and you'll know it. But I finally said to her a bit before she left that my head thinks that but my heart wants her to flourish, and she felt she wasn't doing that back in Glasgow.

I'm finally letting her go.

As I write this entry, I really miss her and please before your mind wonders, our friendship was pure platonic.

I often say that in times when she wants me to do something for her, I almost feel like that I'm holding her hand in it, and that if she doesn't feel comfortable in a situation and if I happen to be there, I'll hold her hand and ride out the storm with her.

Not literally of course.

Though sometimes we'd grab onto each other's wrists as we crossed the road in Malaysia. The traffic is pedestrian unfriendly. Me being me, I always make sure I was the first one to be hit/ knocked down should a car hit us.

There's the side of me that wants to protect her too, and whilst we are in different worlds, I can't do that anymore..

I don't generally give Ling much credit but on this migration to Australia, she has often amazed me in how resilient she can be..

She sure doesn't show it back at home but I guess when no one is there to do it for her, she has to do it on her own.

We have been freed from our duties of helping Ling if you ever had any.

But I don't know you.

But I know me.

I know that one of life's greatest joys is helping people, and I believe all the little insignificant things I've ever done for her, she'll remember at least one or two and say;

Raymond; a good guy.

If I manage to make everyone think that, then I'd die happily.

Well Ling, my dai jeh jeh;

I miss you so much.

Wherever you are in the world, I'm sending you my love.

Safe journeys.

x



PS. I Love You.

Gone but still Moonwalking in Our Hearts.

No many individuals can, had or have captured the world's imagination so much the way he has.

What a legend that is Michael Jackson.

I can't say I'm his biggest fan.

Nor his biggest fanatic.

But an observer of half his life.

I remember the first song that I ever remember that was from Michael Jackson was his Earth Song.

I was about 7-8 when that was out and I remember the song was good for me in the fact that it was kinda catchy, and it has a good tune to it.

But I didn't understand what the lyrics meant until I was older.

Obviously now that I am older, I know the song is about the environmental destruction we've caused to the world.

So this is my first taste of who MJ was.

And as I've gotten older, I began to listen to music from years past and one name that is always mentioned is Michael Jackson.

His music has been put on albums which have to this date outsold anything else before and after it.

His songs are songs that I remember well.

Even though I wasn't aware of his peak in popularity.

I've done my homework on him.

I don't foresee any artist hereon in selling the amount of albums as Jackson did.

He is truly a legend.

His death is untimely.

At 50, you'd think you have a good few decades at least.

But unfortunately for us, he's in a better place right now.

Rest in Peace Michael Jackson.

........................

My mood has been sombre today because of his death.

The breaking news from the night before touched my heart.

And tonight when I was working, I had a sense of 'I know how Michael Jackson felt'....

Although I wasn't pressured to lead a life of fame and fortune.

I've never been pressured to do anything in my life.

But I've had obligations which I had to fulfil which I don't know if they've hampered me in any way.

Of course if asked, I'd say yes they did.

But thinking about it deeply, I maybe just didn't give myself the best chance in life.

And tonight, when I was working in the shop, the wee boy had said from the start of work, he didn't want to be working tonight.

He never wants to work.

I guess that was no different.

I see him sitting there, playing with his pathetic iPhone and poking it here and there, finger left and right, parents in the kitchen shouting at him to give them a hand, and I was wading in with pleas of assistance but because I'm kind of his employee, I didn't ask with like a cry for help way, but a nice give me a hand.

But anyways his parent's plea, and my requests fell on deaf ears.

His dad shouted at him later and said come into the kitchen and help us or go home.

When he heard the words 'go home', he immediately sprung from the chair and proceeded to the door.

And that was him.

I was thinking about how my life had been like that.

In the past, in my first shop, when I was old enough, I'd be working in the counter and the kitchen.

There was a point when and where I didn't like it.

I wanted to be playing with my friends, running about.

But I got over that stage when I started to get paid decent.

Hehe.

And when I realised that life isn't always about playing.

But here is this little boy who absolutely detests working there, yet because he is their parent's son, he has to.

One wonders how many other kids are forced into a working situation like him.

Like me.

Like Michael Jackson.

Although we can't compare ourselves with Michael Jackson.

The fact that we were doing things when really, we ought to be playing with our friends, having a laugh.

We've been working for our parents.

I can't complain really, I was only working like a few nights a week.

That's nothing compared to Michael Jackson, who has been doing from pretty much the day he could walk.

He missed out on his childhood.

And although this wee boy at work will not have worked the same amount of hours as Michael did.

One thing they'll have in common is that they'll say is their childhoods weren't the ones that they wished for.

I can't say whether their parenting is good or not.

But one thing is for certain is that I don't want my children working when they don't want to.

Children should be children.

PS. I Love You.

How to do the Impossible?

I said to a friend recently, was a total spur of the moment thing;

Not even God can keep everybody happy.

I was thinking throughout these last couple of weeks how my life of late is about keeping everybody happy.

Some things, some people need to be kept happy more than others.

But overall I think I've managed ok.

But how do I do the impossible; keep everybody happy?

There's things I do that appeal to people, and there's things I do that don't.

But at the end of the day, am I in the business of keeping everyone happy?

No.

But when I do upset someone, I might not hear the end of it.....

I think some people are just more easily annoyed than others.

And when that is, I really don't have time for either their petulance, their dependance on me thinking I know everything, their misunderstanding, their general demeanour and their pettiness.

I pride myself on being civil with everyone.

But how do you do that when people are stabbing me in the back?

Not literally.

But really how do you?

I normally try not to take anything bad to heart.

And that whatever you've been hit with, that's nothing compared to what we've been hitting God with.

But when someone has hurt me, I immediately try forgive and forget.

Or at least stay mad at them until the end of the day and then the next day, its forgotten about.

I think sometimes people fail to realise that the hurt only hurts the amount you want it to.

If your quite a laid back person, and can take the punches, your obviously not gonna care if someone calls you a name or two.

But if your quite an emotional fragile being, then something like that can cause you hurt and its only you dwelling on it does the hurt become almost a crime.

The world would be a better place if people just practice forgive and forget.

I believe the people that have hurt you did it unintentionally.

Believe me when I say most people out there don't wake up and say I'm gonna hurt so and so.

That doesn't happen!

Maybe only a few.

But generally were all good folk I believe.

If your good, then try and forgive them after reading this.

PS. I Love You.

I'm your Brother.

Just in a last few months or so, I've began to feel something more than I have been at any given time in my life. It's a nice feeling. 

You may or may not know that where I work, there's a boy. He's 14 years old and in many ways I see myself having the same sort of characteristics that I have right now and that I had when I was a teenager.

It's a small world by the way. Before I started work in the particular take out, we've actually crossed paths in the past. I was doing the chinese school thing and he was once a pupil. I remember giving him into trouble for something he did. And when I walked into the take out for the first time and saw him, I almost immediately thought this is a familiar face. Anyways he was naughty then and that was that.

I hadn't seen him for maybe just over a year though it wasn't my intention to but it just so happens that I've been placed in his life again.

I don't have any blood siblings but this wee boy, I wouldn't say taken under my wings but it feels good when I can part with some of my wisdom if it were to the things I did and didn't when I was his age.

Being of a similar situation, both me and him were brought up going to our own take outs after school and remained there until closing time. And as we got older, we had to work there. 

I hated having to go to the shop all the time but I guess there wasn't anything I could do. When I was older, I was allowed to stay home.. alone.. but with that, I had to work.

I guess I didn't mind the working as much.... really depends. But if life asked me what I would have preferred, then I would have preferred that my folks had a western job and I would come from school and go out to play afterwards instead of the life that I had.

But that's life, nothing is without its negatives.

But yeh, I didn't like it, but I lumped it.

And as I got older, I saw that I had to work and I guess as the older I got, the more responsibilities I got, and for a wee while, I played the boss which I liked. Haha.

But anyways me and this kid have something in common- we both don't like having to go to our respective shops.

Another thing which has endured on me is his dependance on me on certain things.

My chinese is bad at best but when it comes to explaining things, he rather I do it when he needs to explain something to his mother.

Sometimes when I was younger, I wish I had an older sibling to explain the things that were going through my head and life but being of our culture, I think we kinda like to keep the bad things within and let them lull. 

Anything computer and internet related. I'm the savvy one.

Just the other day, I kinda had to tell him off for something. 

Basically its a mistake which I guess, the young and naive him would make.

He went to Hong Kong with his parents during the easter and he took his iphone with him. Oblivious to him, roaming charges kick in once you leave the country and whenever you go, its really your responsibility to find out how much calls and data are for the country your heading to. If your staying within the EU, then the prices aren't bad as they are for Asia. Anyways naive him used his phone as normally and ran up a massive bill, thinking his free calls and unlimited data served here is also served in the other side of the world.

Not the one having to pay, I laughed at how this 14 year old can afford to pay the month's bill. I actually question how he even pays the monthly line rental never mind this particular month's bill.

But turns out his dad has bailed him out....

So I give him my words of wisdom and told him about the roaming charges and it was his own fault and not of o2's. 

I told him, you've done it once, learn your lesson. Don't do it again.

I've never been in a position where I could do that with anyone really. I don't have any siblings. But this wee guy, I've kinda adopted as my own.

I may not have any blood siblings.

But I have tons of siblings in Christ.

And that's just as good or if not, even better.

I love being there for someone. 

It gives me the thrill of knowing that because of what I've done, I've made you happy at that particular moment. 

Sometimes this characteristic of mine makes people think does he (I) like that particular someone.

And more times than none, I do things for you because your my friend. I do it out of love.

And if I do something for you because I like you, then you'll know that I like you.

Sometimes I wonder if I compromise too much of myself for others.

But when I think about it, its what God does for us.

He puts us first.

And although I will never been on the same scale as God.

If I succeed in being a little bit like Him, then I'm doing something right.

I hope I am.

PS. I Love You.

RE: "Just Friends" Aye Right!

Before you proceed to read this entry, please click here to read the blog entry which my entry is a response to.

Anyways........

Some of the content I'd have to question slightly but overall I do agree and can see the points the writer is saying. 

But overall women are just bloody hard work!

At times I think, all's fair in love and game.

And for girls, they like playing the game don't they?

I've sure as hell been involved in meaningless games.

To come out of it the loser.

But dignified. 

They like the feeling which the boy is giving the girl.

And I guess who can blame them.

But I think there's a point where the girls can get too far which is...

To depend on him, take him for granted, and then think of him as your wee brother.

I have had friendships, relationships which have turned out like that.

And although I haven't liked every one of them girls.

It does happen to half the world's population.

A guy loves being depended on, I'll admit that.

But the stop line has to be drawn at some point.

When the girl sees something they like, they ask if you could buy it for them.

I guess I do that too, but at the end of the day, I tend to do that out of annoyance and more than less the time, I end up buying it myself.

But the girls are bloody wise as anything and wait until the boy buys it for her.

Not necessarily but a lot of time it is.

They ask you who you fancy...

And if the person you fancy is the one asking you the question, what do you say?

Do you be honest? or make up someone?

Something else which kinda annoys me at times is when they ask you if you like what your wearing.

More than the time, I'll give them my honest answer.

But to then drag it into a 'meaningful' conversation on the part of the lady, I bloody hate.

To me, if you like what your wearing, what does it matter about my opinions and others?

Just get something on.

I don't care.

I guess I'm the rational type. 

Black and White.

Hair as well.

Girls love being complimented on their hairstyle. 

Ooh did you get a haircut?

May look nice, but for me, it wouldn't matter if it was just up, all over the place look or the good few pounds you spent doing it do.

And when you argue with them, and when the dust is settled, they'll continue to hate you forever.

For a guy, I think the thing is forgotten about.

It is for me anyways.

But for a girl, they may say its forgotten, but its not too forgotten because they'll want to use it against you for future gain, or spite.

For petty arguments, girls can really make a big deal out of it. And if you find yourself in that situation boy, I feel its best you leave them, let them be. 

I feel a lot of the time, the guys are the diplomatic ones in the relationship because girls only care about themselves.

They are the world champions in sulking.

I think for a guy, the relationship revolves around both parties.

But for a girl, the relationship revolves around her and what she gets from it.

Is that a fair point?

Anyways a friend said to me recently, if you like someone, don't beat about the bush. Tell him or her as soon as.

The more you hang out with him or her, the more they'll accept you as a friend.

And more time than none, the friend becomes a good friend and then that's it.

Pointless exercise in hanging out with them, and paying for meals, being on the end of their tantrums, doing little favors for him or her, fixing things and driving them places.

Well enough lady bashing.

At the end of the day, I still love them.

They're just bloody hard to figure out, but nothing is easy. And women are the most difficult thing to suss. You might have degrees in rocket science and accountancy, but no one has worked out what the hell a women is thinking. Every man out there is trying to work out the formula. But to no avail.....

PS. I Love You.

Love Forgives the Bad In You.

I often wonder how well behaved my children will be.

Not that I have any children yet but I often feel a bit of dread when I know I have to be around certain babies, toddlers, infants and small children. Some are even more hyper than I am but most of the time, I remember to think that they're only children. They don't know what else to do but be kids.

Some kids I think, how can they're parents cope with all of it...

Then you have children with a disability or two.

They require more of your time, or even all of your time..

I hold those parents in high regard...

I wonder if I will be able to handle it all when my times arrives.

I watched Marley and Me yesterday. And if you haven't already seen it then I suggest that you do before they take it off the screens. But to give you a quick synopsis of what the movie is about is newlyweds starting their lives off as married people, and with it comes what careers to pick, where to go for jobs, what city they would like to live in, and children.

But the movie revolves around a dog called Marley. The newlyweds; John and Jenny Grogran (Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston) has just decided to purchase a dog, well it was a birthday surprise from John to Jenny and they happen to pick the 'Clearance Puppy', that's Marley by the way. Don't ask me how the name 'Clearance Puppy' came about... I'm guessing because he looked a little lethargic when J and J went to visit the farm with the puppies, and the owner was selling him cheaper than the rest of his brothers and sisters. But 'Clearance Puppy' turned out to be more than they bargained for.

From the minute Marley walked into the house, he was eating, and chewing anything that looked edible to him. He even chewed on the plasterboard wall.

He just seemed as though he wasn't one to be taught. He just seemed too boisterous. Too hyper and too uncontrollable.

But I think the movie for me really kicks off when J and J decide to start a family. Unfortunately, their first attempt failed, the baby inside died within 9 weeks. But try and you will succeed, second time lucky and Jenny gives birth to a baby boy called Patrick.

A funny moment when Jenny brings baby Patrick home was that both of the parents, well mainly John I guess as it portrays him more worried than Jenny that Marley might think that baby Patrick as a chew toy. However that didn't happen and as Patrick grew up, Dog and child seemed to get along without any hassle for master slash parents.

As the movie progresses, another baby boy comes into the world called Connor. And probably a good few months after the birth of Connor, the marriage begins to strain. Jenny finds it difficult to cope with looking after her two boys and also be on the look out for anything Marley does. And one incident too many, Jenny confronts John when he comes home from work to demand that the dog be sent elsewhere. John thinks this is irrational but does agree to take the dog elsewhere, though John just sends Marley off to a friends for a couple of days. During which Jenny has second thoughts about Marley being away from what Jenny said as Marley's home.

This moment in the movie really spoke with me. Not that I've been in a position where I've had to kick someone out of my home, or I hope that my parents haven't wanted me out of theirs. But Jenny sees pass Marley's bad habits and behaviour and still loves her dog til death do them part. It was a moment in the movie where her relationship with husband seemed to be stormy and John had thoughts, small thoughts though of leaving the relationship. But one of them said to the other that leaving it wasn't right;

Mend it, don't end it.

Thankfully they worked it out and Marley was allowed back home, and the relationship appeared to be stronger than it was.

So moving along, another child enters the world. Baby Colleen.

What could a guy asked for? Jenny Grogan who is smoking hot. Looks like Jennifer Aniston by the way... hehe. And 3 kids. And a dog. You could say 4. And a fantansic home with a pool.

Brilliant. I would love to be in his position.

The one down point for him is that his job isn't his preffered although what he does, he's great at it. What was a temporary role as a columnist for a newspaper became permanent along with a two fold pay rise.

Things seemed to look rosy in the movie. The children grew up into small children, primary school age, Colleen was a little younger, maybe pre-school.

But as with all good things, they have to come to an end.

Unfortunately for Marley, he was well into his advanced years. Along with it came illness.

Marley survived one health scare and seemed as though he could live a lot more longer than he did.

The movie doesn't give you a timescale of when important occurences happened.

Marley just died.....

Something up with his stomach.

The decision was taken by John that Marley had to be enthanised such was the pain he was in I guess.

But the poignant moment in the movie is when Marley laid there on the table, about to be injected with the whatever it is to kill Marley off.

John contemplating life without Marley.

John reminiscing with Marley about the good times they had.

John tells his dog that although he may dubbed the 'worst dog' ever because of all the naughty things he's done.

None of that mattered anymore.

To John, to Jenny, to the children;

He was the perfect dog.

Marley closes his eyes..........

...............

He was buried outside the family home in a moving funeral.

I really felt as though Marley was part of me.

I watched him grow up.

I watched him be the dog that he became.

I loved him too.

But he wasn't. He was make believe.

oops.

He might have been a strain to their marriage, to the family, but love forgives and forgets the wrong in someone.

Like God does with us.

We don't always do what is asked of us, yet I'm sure God will still love us the same.

What a movie.

Go see it.

PS. I Love You.

When All Fails, Love Prevails.

Chris Martin of Coldplay said that "It's weird that whatever else is on your mind, whether it's the downfall of global economics or terrible environmental troubles, the thing that always gets you most is when you fancy someone"

What a quote!

It's so true.

Love does make you do some things you wouldn't do for the Average Joe.

I watched Paul Blart yesterday. It was alright. But the running sub-plot of the movie was this cop fancied this girl who ran a stall in the mall he looked out for. Before we blinked our eyes, he went from seeing this girl, to be almost intimate with her... kinda.

But the movie really takes off when the mall is been invaded by robbers and hostages have been taken in the bank within the mall. Paul Blart played by Kevin James is oblivious to this as he's in the arcade playing Guitar Hero and Singstar. Anyways when he leaves the arcade, he doesn't immediately realise that the mall is in the situation it's in, instead brushing it off as closing time. But when he notices a stray customer as he thought he was, until the so thought customer pulled a gun at him. But he got away.

Blah blah blah.... he managed to get out of the mall but noticing the car of the girl he fancied, he decides to risk his life to go and rescue her, and the hostages.

So on and so on. He does rescue her and his daughter, who some how manage to find herself in that situation... strange. 

Go watch it yourself. It's an okay movie.

But I think the theme of the story is gripping in how someone out of love, risks everything.

A bit like what Jesus did.

Though his risk was one which he had to bare for us.

Paul Blart's wasn't. He could have easily stayed outside, away from the troubles inside.

But instead he went back in and faced the troubles head on.

And sometimes I think, we don't face our troubles.

We like to just hope it will go away.........

Or even sometimes, some walk away from it.

And I'll give you that, sometimes, walking away from the situation is fine.

When I say walking away, I mean walk away but not far away that you won't walk back.

Step back is may be a better phrase.

But walking away...

Some say it's a cowards game.

The troubles lie inside, and if you don't do anything about it, it will eat away at you.

In this movie, if he didn't do anything about it, he wouldn't be seen as a hero in her eyes.

But in reality, we all have gripes hostage in our hearts. 

And only if you release the hostages do things start to look better.

It's only through love that you do so.

It's only through love that everything else prevails.

PS. I Love You.

Unrequited Love.

How come the most romantic things ever done have been done in movies so when, if you tried to reproduce it, the other half will say; how original? and in the movies, that person doesn't actually want to do those things in real life.

But I got a hold of Love Actually DVD in Christmas and I've actually not watched it up until now and though it think the movie isn't Richard Curtis' best (I prefer Notting Hill), there seems to be a developing trend in the movies that I've seen that he has written. And that is the pivotal scene...

In Notting Hill, the scene in which I believe tells the whole story is the scene where Anna Scott (Julia Roberts) stands in front of the boy, the man that she likes; William Thacker and sells her heart out. Up to this point they dated, comforted her, slept together, he'd had his heart broken because Anna is famous, and her love life is the stuff the papers write about and stuff. But at the end of the day, famous and all that, Anna is still just a girl. Standing in front of a boy. Asking him to love her.

And unfortunately for her, the "daft prick" William rejected her request.....

Though later realises his mistake and a mad dash across the poshest hotels in London, and he asks Anna to reconsider him, eventhough he had originally rejected her. 

Lovely moment, I love the movie.

And in Love Actually, although not pivotal but the one that stands out from all the other scenes is the scene in which Mark (Andrew Lincoln) portrays or a better word/s; declares his feelings to Juliet (Keira Knightley). And unfortunately for him, she is someone that he can't have. Up to this point, Juliet had requested video tapes of her wedding, in which Mark was the groom's best man. Because Mark is best friends with her husband, she had been trying hard to at least be nice to him, and if anything, Mark was being nasty, cold towards her. But his feelings for her weren't known until one day Juliet went round to his for the videotape and when she began to watch it, the contents were just close ups of her. And then the scene in which captured my imagination is the one where he declares his feelings for her in the form of words on a card, and a good few of them along with some funny ones in between. 

He set out "without hope or agenda" to tell her his feelings. And how after it, he has to move on. And that love is actually all around us. So when he had finished, he had walked a few yards from the door and Juliet runs and gives him a kiss.....

However as romantic as the whole thing may be, she did the right thing in fulfilling her marriage and ran back inside.

There he said Enough, enough now. 

He moves on.

A movie, and a short story if it were. Both have a similar theme.... Both about someone who, more times than none, you would love to be with, but their just too far out of reach. 

And if you look at my heading for this entry; Unrequited Love. 

It is the hardest thing.

For you to love someone but not have them love you back... sucks.

And I've not been in that situation many times, but even liking someone very very VERY much, but she just think your just a friend, or your just a wee brother or an older brother to me. It really hurts!!

I can say fortunately I haven't found myself in that situation many times, because for me, if I like someone, I could go on liking them for years and years. Like for example, a girl that I liked during my school years lasted from primary 7 up until S4 maybe.

I guess that was young love, stupid immature. Don't know the basics of love. But funny to look at when reminiscing. 

But giving up hope is the hardest thing to do.

I don't give up that easily with anything. Some say I may be stubborn, and I'd probably agree with them.

Maybe sometimes you gotta realise that when something isn't meant to be...

It isn't meant to be.

And the quicker you know it, the better.

No point in shoving a square peg in a round hole as they say.

I'm sure if something is meant to be, then give it time. It will happen in time.

We all want to be loved.

We all want to love someone.

But sometimes it's not the right time, not the right person...

Nothing ever happens the ways you want it to, especially in love.

I know I've had my fair share of disappointments in this area. 

But each one.

I've let go and I'll try again.....

Don't awaken love until it so desires.

PS. I Love You.